Posted in "Normal", Family, Uncategorized

I think the Devil lives in my shower

There are many people and things (we just caught a mouse not long ago…yuck) that live in my house. Most of them I love. Most of them are harmless and I can deal with reasonably well. But not the one that lives in my shower.

Admittedly, I don’t clean my shower as often as I should. Any sort of cleaning that happens in the bathroom usually falls at the end of my to do list out of sheer distaste for the chore.But it isn’t the filth that accumulates on the walls and floor of the shower that gets to me. It’s the Devil that lives there.

It happens every time. Armed with spray bottles, brushes, paper towels and the thought that we cannot possibly go one more day with the shower in the state that it is in, I prepare for battle. Without fail, I get frustrated. (*spray, spray*)And angry. (*scrub,scrub,scrub*)And mean.(*SCRUB, SCRUB, SCRUB*)  I tell myself that no one else cares about the state of the house. I’m the only one who ever does anything.(*VIOLENT OUTBURST OF THROWING DIRTY PAPER TOWELS*) Every person in my life is ungrateful. I have long, drawn-out fights with my husband, who isn’t even in the house. I turn into an ugly, utterly selfish and inconsolable brat.

The feeling lasts for a while. I marvel at how beautiful our shower can actually be normally while forcing back tears of anger. I put away my cleaning supplies and find something else wrong with the house to be angry about. Eventually, my anger turns into sadness and despair and I can only focus on the negative parts of each day and of myself. Flaws abound and I convince my self of my utter worthlessness. I have the very bad habit of letting these, among other, moods force me into a black hole that takes me a while to climb out of on my own.

I hate the person that this ritual turns me into but I still haven’t found a way to avoid it besides actually letting the shower fall to pieces.

I cleaned our shower yesterday. I’m just now finding myself starting to  come out of the hole.

Lord, have mercy.

 

Advertisements
Posted in Family, Marriage, Motherhood

Summer List

I think in lists. I write in lists. My “bullet journal” is really just a book of lists…but at least they are all in one place!

So, my latest list obsession is planning what this summer will look like because it’s the last one as a family of three. Consider it part nesting/ part focusing:

IMG_1035

Make ALL the freezer meals!– Baby Girl will be here before we know it and, if my first baby taught me anything, it is that I won’t even be able to think about meals after the new bundle of joy. We were very blessed the first time around to have friends supply us with dinners for awhile and I was majorly craving Smith’s hot dogs, which was an easy fix, but this time I want a fully stocked freezer and lots of easy go-to food all around. (Hello and welcome back, nursing Momma appetite!)

Move/Decorate/Prepare both the girls’ new rooms– Vivi will be moving to make way for Baby Gia and the nursery will be switching rooms as well due to the strange configuration of the upstairs of our house. To prevent this from being a daunting, annoying task, I’ve taken to Pinterest to plan and design the cutest rooms for my daughters. Yes, a lot of the actual work will fall on my hubby but trying to make it as fun as possible for everyone is my mission.

Write– Lots of writing needs to happen, and it won’t all be fun. My thesis has been an ongoing “monkey on my back” for the past year and I just need to get it DONE before the lack of sleep and brain power disappears. But, to balance, I want to blog more and maybe start actually banging out one of the books that are floating around in my head.

Read– This goes hand in hand with writing. Yes, for a while it will be more articles than books, but I have a growing list (and pile!) of non-school books that are calling my name. Female Catholic writers have been on fire with putting books out lately and I’m going to devour them all!

IMG_1033
Current read…so good!

Home-ify the house– We have been in our house for 4 years this upcoming July, but it still looks pretty much like the house we bought back then. Partly because we have been pretty busy these past couple year, partly because we have had our home open to our housemates (we will be down to only 1 this year!) and partly because I’m lazy and don’t really have an eye for decor. But I’m ready to change that (again, probably nesting hormones at work!) My mind has big plans for gallery walls, well taken care of flowers beds, freshly painted walls and really just making this place more “us”. Stay tuned to see what happens!

Family fun (planned and unplanned)– Vivi is at the age where she loves and INSISTS on being outside whenever possible. And, in all honesty, she’s a pretty fun kid to be around. I’m excited for using our Zoo membership, trips to the beach and parks, longs walks and really just being around my favorite people in the whole world, including a mini-babymoon for Matt and I will Viv spends some time with cousins and grandparents.

img_1020.jpg
The wild dogs are a MUST SEE for this little cutie at the zoo.

 

I think summer really brings out the best in me. The freedom, even if it is just perceived, brings joy to my soul. Maybe because I”m a July baby ( PS #30 is happening is year…eeee!) or maybe because I need the sunlight and warmer temps, but summer always feels light and full of possibilities. I’m ready, summer 2018, let’s do this!

Posted in Family, Marriage, Motherhood

Hey, look! A weekend happened…

…and I didn’t write. So surprising.

But, I didn’t write because it was a full weekend. And, I should have written because it was a full weekend. The irony is not lost on me.

First things first, my husband is a saint. I am fully unshaken in my belief of this. He handles everything with an ease and grace I will never attain. From my fender bender Thursday evening after a long day of work to reminding me Saturday that we are truly blessed in our lives, no matter what my ultra-comparative, anxious, extremely selfish brain tells me, he is the best thing that God has allowed in my life. And I am truly grateful for him each and every day.

Second, with my schedule slowing down for the summer, I finally feel like I can fully live my vocation and I have missed that this year. There are main things that keep me from being the best wife and mother I can, some of them real, a good deal of them in my head. But with the warm sunshine and open Sunday afternoons, a lot of those things fade away and I feel the joy again, especially in the mundane tasks that I have to rush through during the academic year. I put more love and care into my tasks and my heart is lighter.

All in all, the weekend was fantastic even if I would have never chosen it for myself. Praise be to God.

Posted in Family, Motherhood

Sisters

(Side note: I have challenged myself to write everyday for the month of May. Prepare for many unrelated thought bubbles. Good luck and God speed.)

Sisters have been on my mind a lot lately. Ever since we found out a couple weeks ago that Durney baby #2 is a girl, I’ve been dreaming of the relationship she will have with her older sister.

I always wanted a sister. My mom’s Ob/Gyn told me I was getting a sister. I got a Nathan. To be fair, ultrasound technology was no where near what it is today back in 1991.

So, the idea of sisters and sisterhood escapes me and seems like a magical fairy land. Now, when I talk to actual sisters, I know this is not the case. Television sit-coms also re-enforce this. But it is still so foreign to me and therefore still magical.

I daydream about the matching outfits and tea parties and princess dance time.  Pink is everywhere and my girls love and like each other every moment of every day. Pregnancy hormones are great sometimes.

But while I daydream, I also brace myself for hair-pulling, poor clothes sharing and whining. Balance is key to life I suppose.

I’m still hopeful for my girls. I tell myself that I would be 400% better at female friendships if I had a sister. And, though I try not to live my life vicariously through my children, this is one part I’m excited for. Bring on the tiaras and makeup and slumber parties. This Momma is ready. (But pray for Dada…maybe he’ll get a boy next time)

Posted in Faith, Family, Jesus, Motherhood

I’m actually NOT doing it all

People ask me that a lot. “How do you do all of that!?” They are being kind or nosy or are genuinely curious whether or not I can bilocate (I can’t…sad but true).

And I get it. From the outside, my season of life right now does bring on those questions. Three jobs. Finishing my degree. Pregnant. Toddler at home. Believe me, it makes my head spin too.

But, I’m going to let you in on a little secret…it’s not me.

I gave a talk at my parish during Lent about my experiences in ministry. I like leaving people with small succinct takeaways during my rambling, so my first point of interest during that talk was this: I am desperately, desperately, DESPERATELY in need of a Savior…and that Savior is not me.

It sounds obvious, and it is, but, do you want to know the other secret? I forget this ALL the time.

And then I try to do it all. The results of this type of work are frustration, exhaustion and hopelessness. The biggest reason this happens is, that when I try to do everything all by myself, I try to become a person I’m not. I’ve had a whole lot of practice trying to be someone I’m not and I fall into this hole all the time. And I dwell there. I, with help from the Enemy, fill my head with the lies that I’m not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or (insert adjective of your choice here) enough.

That hole is not where I’m called to live. When I remember my real calling and surrender the work that I have been given back to the One who entrusted it to me, that’s when the pieces fall perfectly into place. The work day flies by with high levels of productivity and family time increases in both quantity and quality. My peace is found again.

When I re-calibrate my perspective to remember who is really in control, I also remember that I am incredibly blessed by all of the above. Jesus has entrusted many people and tasks to my care so that I can be the little pencil in the hand of God. (Momma T shout out!) I am privileged and humbled to share in this work of building the kingdom.

So, the newest plan I have to remember who I am, whose I am and who I work for is to take a cue from Momma Mary and constantly turn it all back to my loving and merciful God:

And Mary said:
“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord;
my spirit rejoices in God my savior.
For he has looked upon his handmaid’s lowliness;
behold, from now on will all ages call me blessed.
The Mighty One has done great things for me,
and holy is his name.
His mercy is from age to age
to those who fear him.
He has shown might with his arm,
dispersed the arrogant of mind and heart.
He has thrown down the rulers from their thrones
but lifted up the lowly.
The hungry he has filled with good things;
the rich he has sent away empty.
He has helped Israel his servant,
remembering his mercy,
according to his promise to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his descendants forever.”
(Luke 1: 46-55)

PS We go to the doctor to see Baby Won 2 and find out his/her gender today! Prayers are welcome!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Family, Motherhood

Mommy Mode

Today is Vivi’s first day at the babysitter’s house. *Pause for highly emotional moment*

And, besides the constant feeling of wanting to go and pick her up which began at 8am, I’ve been a bit overwhelmed, and let’s face it exhausted. I thought that things were crazy when I was the only one who needed to leave for the day but, unsurprisingly, getting three people up and out the door in the morning is 3x the crazy. So, all day long I’ve been brainstorming ways to take control before I lose my sanity completely.

My newest project, which I’m still madly in love with (check back in 3 months), is bullet journaling. Now, I am a master of making 17+ to do lists with overlapping items and losing at least 4 of them in the Bermuda triangle, so the thought of having everything together in one place was super appealing. But I actually think that what drew me to this the most was all of the pretty Instagram posts of intricate gorgeous page layouts…so really I’m just hoping at some point my handwriting will magically correct itself into art. The ability for me to use this technique to marry the practical with the creative is (hopefully) what will keep me committed to this new highly organized lifestyle. Well, that and the adorable 2 month old who will only require me to work even harder to stay a step ahead (or at the very least caught up) with her ever-changing world.

Have I mentioned I miss my baby girl?

Posted in Family, Learning Confidence, Motherhood

Called to renew

I fear I only turn to writing when I’m hurting…or trying to prove myself. I want it to be more than that. I want to write (or paint or say or sing or…) something that matters. Something that makes the world better, even if that betterment is just in encouraging myself. I want to remember that this blog exists and do so more than every few (ok, many) months.

 

Especially now with this little one around, I want to be and do better in every aspect of life, including this digital account of my life which no one may ever read. Challenge accepted.

IMG_2095

Posted in "Normal", Faith, Family, Love

I ache, too

I just got pulled into one of many of the articles that pop up on my newsfeed. This one started with the phrase “I long for normal…” and I was hooked. That’s the exact wording I have been feeling this week but couldn’t put into words. Well, that’s not true, I didn’t want to put it into words. Saying that out loud, and even thinking it, feels selfish and petty and wrong. But that doesn’t mean the feeling goes away.

Now, the woman writing the article was talking about her daughter who has a disorder that makes the family of four’s life more and more difficult. The more I read, the guiltier I felt. No one in my life is suffering this way and in no way is my life affected to the extent that her’s is…but I still ache. And every time I think about it, the guilt grows.

I should explain. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for a month now and nothing in the world has made me happier. He is truly one of the biggest blessings in my life. But we haven’t had the newlywed experience that most do. Sure, our week spent in Jamaica after the wedding was fantastic and a honeymoon I will never forget. But, after that week we returned to our beautiful home…and our girls. Matt and I have no children of our own yet, but our house is filled with movement, excitement and noise because we have, as of Sunday, five young women living with us who I adore but who also make our life anything but normal.

Before we were married, my husband (who is truly a saint in many ways…but that is a reflection in and of itself for a later time) had founded and led an intentional Catholic living community which, in it’s two years of existence, provided the world with graces that continue to be discovered. Unfortunately, that time came to a close and left some of the younger members without a place to go because of bad family lives or other unsafe conditions. So, when we purchased our house, we were looking for more than enough bedrooms. And when we closed on our house last summer, we moved in with 3 housemates. Over the year, we have hosted a number of others for short or longer periods of time for a variety of reasons and, in the past month, have added bunk beds to our future nursery for our newest two additions. Our house now holds the seven of us pretty comfortably.

As you can see, though, we are far from normal and sometimes I get exhausted just explaining that to people who never really understand our situation…sometimes I wonder if I do! And not all days are happy Brady Bunch-inspired scenes. I get tired and frustrated a lot more than I should. I need time outs to compose myself. I need to remember the good. But my husband shines through in these instances. His heart is much bigger than mine a lot of the time and he carries the joys and burdens of others with such grace that I am in awe of him every day (ugh…I said I wasn’t going to gush. But he’s just so great!)

Yesterday, was one of those days where I came home from work and errands and just wanted to collapse in the clean and quiet house that I had left in the morning…but that wasn’t going to happen easily. I wanted to throw up my hands and run far, far away from everything not 5 minutes after walking into the chaos. Not an option. So instead, I poured a glass of wine and cooked dinner. And that’s where the miracles start. Dinner brought people to our table and the meal I was planning for Matt and I turned into a dinner for 5 (thankfully with just enough food). And though it still wasn’t a traditional family dinner, I could feel the love surrounding me, even in my tired and broken state. I saw the face of Christ through the haze of my frustration and my ache for normal. “Normal” life, though, would have never given me that grace. I am blessed with the gift of an abnormal life and when I forget that, I have scripture to remind me to love and be joyful in my abnormality:

“Above all, let your love for another be intense, because love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining. As each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God’s varied grace.” 1 Peter 4:8-10

I have many gifts. And 5 of them happen to be living under our roof with us. So much for normal…and good riddance.